Chapter 1
Standing amid the boxes in her new bedroom, Jessa sighed, feeling tears come to her eyes. They had been in Oregon only a matter of hours and already she missed the warm sun that had been a part of her Southwestern desert home.
Moving had not figured into Jessa's plans. It was her senior year in high school, and she had a tight cluster of friends with whom she'd grown up--some since kindergarten. With bittersweet feelings, she allowed herself to remember her last day of school. It had been filled with emotion as she had said good-bye, laughed, cried, made promises, and clung to the last moments of something that she knew would change forever. After classes had ended, Leah-Jo and Mary had come to the house to help with the last-minute details. Jessa had hugged each girl close, feeling their tears on her own wet cheeks. Nelson had driven up just as the family was getting in the car. He had hugged her, tipped up her chin and kissed her briskly, then popped her into the car and stood with Leah-Jo and Mary, waving the Meyers family out of the driveway.
That had been two days ago and she was still wiping her eyes. As she heard the rain beating bleakly on the roof, she wondered what her friends were doing now. Oregon was in the same time zone as Nevada and it wasn't hard for her to think of them on this Saturday morning.
She sank down on her bed, holding a pile of folded clothes. She, Leah-Jo, and Mary had been such a team. They had wiped out Tim and Aaron in the most reckless pillow fight of all time, burying them under pelting pillows until the boys had yelled uncle--only because they were outnumbered, the boys said, but the girls had known better.
Hey, my skates! It was ten-year-old Matthew in the next bedroom. He seemed surprised at finding his belongings exactly as he had packed them. He had been rummaging delightedly around, banging drawers and clattering hangers in the closet. Jessa knew that this move was the biggest adventure he'd had, and he was making the most of it.
Jessa heard the movers call good-bye and the front door slam. Sighing, she slid off her bed and looked around. There were no hangers in sight. She put the armful of clothes on the bed and pulled open the box closest to her. Wrapped in a fluffy sweater was the large wooden jewelry box Nelson had given her for Christmas.
She bit her lip and pain stabbed her anew as she thought of leaving him behind. She had been in love with Nelson since her freshman year. They'd been dating steadily since October, even though she suspected that he sometimes dated other girls. She ran her hand over the wood softly and asked herself for the thousandth time, What kind of relationship do we have? Is it love--this feeling I have for him? It had been so hard to leave him without any resolution to their relationship. He hadn't wanted to break up, but he hadn't made any promises either.
How are you doing, honey?
Jessa's mother was standing in the doorway. She looked tired. Jessa knew that this move was hard on her, too. On the long drive, Sonia Meyers had talked cheerfully and sensibly; but there had been quiet moments when, from the back seat, Jessa had seen her turn her face to the window and wipe her eyes. Of course she'd left friends of her own behind. Jessa determined again not to do anything to make the move harder.
Resolutely, she answered, Okay, I guess. Just getting things organized.
Sonia stepped in and looked around the room. This bedroom is bigger than your last one, and the whole house is newer.
It's nice, agreed Jessa.
Once we get things set up it will feel more like a home.
Of course it will, Jessa said. As soon as I get enough stuff off the bed to make it, it will look more like home. Do you know where there are any hangers?
You might check in Matthew's room, Sonia replied before changing the subject. Your dad suggested that we go out for pizza later and maybe take a walk along the beach. Would you like that?
Yeah. Pizza sounds good, Jessa tried to infuse some enthusiasm into her words, but the effort seemed to fall flat.
Later that afternoon, Jessa lagged behind her parents as they walked along the sandy shore, feeling oppressed and anxious. It had stopped raining, but the sky was dark and overcast. How could she ever get used to such gloomy weather? Pulling her winter coat around her, she tried not to think of the Nevada sunshine. Tomorrow was Sunday. What would the ward be like? And then school on Monday. To finish the last three months of her senior year among strangers. . . . She wished she could stay home until college in June. She, Mary and Leah-Jo had all been accepted for the Ricks College summer term.
It's only three months, she told herself determinedly. That's not very long.
Jessa! It was Matt, further down the beach, holding something. Impatiently he beckoned her, and Jessa quickened her step, a small smile brightening her face. Matt was really happy with his new surroundings. He looked forward to church and school and had already met a couple of boys his age in the neighborhood. Sometimes Jessa wished she was ten years old again.
Jessa woke the next morning abruptly, disoriented for a second, then adjusting to the new room. The shower was thrumming down the hall, and sunshine was slanting into the room. She threw back the blankets and looked outside. The blue skies dazzled her eyes, and the sun warmed her face. Jessa felt as if she had found a long-lost friend. Most of her clothes were on hangers, now, and she sorted through her Sunday dresses, finally stopping at a favorite tropical print in bold hues. As the family sat around the table for breakfast, Sonia commented, You look nice, Jessa.
Jessa warmed under the praise. She had taken extra care with her rich auburn hair and it danced around her shoulders. After all of the tears of the past week, she had been worried about her eyes; but the judicious make-up brought out her black eyes, dark long lashes, and fine cheek bones. There was nothing she could do about the sprinkling of freckles across her nose, but she never had minded them.
Jim Meyers had already looked up the address to the meeting house, and they arrived early, selecting a bench on the side aisle. Other people drifting in, stopped to shake hands, and welcome them to the ward. Jessa's eye fell on a cluster of girls her age, chatting together before breaking up to sit with their families. They must be the Laurel class. Suddenly she began to feel self conscious. They were wearing heavy sweaters, wool skirts, even boots. Jessa felt like a tropical fish accidentally carried by the sea's currents into the iceberg zone. She slipped her winter coat back on.
Are you cold? her mother asked.
Jessa nodded; but even as she scolded herself for being oversensitive, she couldn't help feeling like an alien again.
After sacrament meeting was over, Jessa stood up and paused. Matt had already bounded off with a boy his own age toward Sunday School. Her parents were talking with the people in front of them. Jessa stepped out into the aisle, looking for someone to ask about her Sunday School class when a girl her own age with carefully styled honey-blonde hair and inky blue eyes materialized from the crowd.
I'm Catlyn McGregor, she said smiling. Come with me and I'll show you where our Sunday School class meets. Then the Young Women's class is right next door.
Jessa gave her parents a hesitating look. Both her mom and dad encouraged her with their eyes. Go on, honey, Sonia Meyers said. We'll meet you at the car after church.
Hugging her scriptures, Jessa lifted her chin and began walking down the aisle.
Wow! That's some dress, Catlyn commented.
Jessa didn't know if she had just been paid a compliment or not. Thank you, she replied firmly.
What's your name? Catlyn asked as the girls walked down the hall.
Jessa. Actually, it's Jessica, but everybody calls me Jessa.
Well, Jessa, you're going to love it here! Catlyn chattered easily, describing the town, the ocean, the school. It was too much, too fast. Jessa felt overwhelmed, smothered under unfamiliar faces, drowned by Catlyn's high-pitched voice. Her head began to pound and her eyes didn't seem to want to focus. Then through the milling crowd she saw a young man walking toward her.
She interrupted Catlyn's chatter. Who's that?
Catlyn followed Jessa's gaze. Oh, that's Micah Stevenson. I'd stay away from him if I were you.
Jessa turned her eyes away from the young man. Why?
He never comes to church. He's probably here today because his mother nagged him to death. He's into booze and drugs.
Jessa raised her eyes again and found Micah's gaze upon her. His eyes were a startling sea green.
They were only a stride apart, then they were brushing past each other. Hello, He quietly mumbled.
Jessa found herself smiling, Hi, there.
Then he was gone. She glanced over her shoulder to find that he was doing the same.
Catlyn saw the exchange and grabbed Jessa's arm again. I'd stay away from him if I were you, Catlyn's repeated warningly. Like I said, he's heavy into drugs and he hangs around the wrong crowd at school. She shook her head. He and his girlfriend do such disgraceful things in public that you don't even have to guess what they do in private.
He's kind of cute, Jessa said.
Oh, there's nothing the matter with his looks, but I'll tell you, Jessa, he's poison with a capital P. Straight poison.
Jessa sat next to Catlyn during Sunday School. When the teacher began to tell the class that there was a new girl, Catlyn poked Jessa. Stand up! she whispered. Jessa did so and opened her mouth, but Catlyn spoke first, This is Jessa-- she turned to Jessa. What's your last name?
Meyers, Jessa answered. She took a deep breath, but Catlyn's voice didn't miss a beat. Meyers, she repeated. And she's from--. She turned to Jessa once again, Where did you say you were from?
Jessa stepped away from Catlyn. I'm from Las Vegas, Nevada, Jessa said clearly, but Catlyn repeated, And she's from Las Vegas.
Jessa heard a general murmur from the class. She was used to surprise, although she didn't completely understand why everyone was surprised that Las Vegas had Mormons in it. It wasn't just a city where folks came to gamble. People lived there, too. Even families that went to church.
It's nice to have you in our ward, Jessa heard the teacher say. I'm Brother McGregor, Catlyn's dad, and I hope you'll like it here.
Jessa opened her mouth to speak but was overrun by Catlyn. Of course, she will, Dad.
Jessa sat mute next to Catlyn as the lesson progressed. She felt very tired, even though it was still morning and she longed to go home. Not to the new home that awaited her after this miserable day, but her desert home. She missed her friends and the familiar faces of her Vegas ward. As the meeting progressed, she found herself fighting off tears and had to will herself not to blubber in front of these total strangers.
By the time Young Women's class started, Jessa was numb. When Catlyn performed the introductions before Jessa could even draw a breath, Jessa didn't protest. Catlyn's mother taught Young Women. I'm outnumbered by McGregors, Jessa thought with a last flicker of wry rebelliousness.
After the meetings were over, Catlyn grabbed Jessa by the arm again. Where's your car?
Jessa pointed haphazardly in the direction of the family vehicle. She really just wanted Catlyn to leave her alone, but the blonde girl was trying so hard to be friendly that it didn't seem polite.
I'll walk you there. Maybe I could meet your family, Catlyn suggested.
Jessa was relieved that she and Catlyn were first to the car. They stood for a moment, then Catlyn anxiously looked at her watch. I need to get going, she said. My family has strict rules about visiting after church. I'll meet your folks next week.
Catlyn gave her a quick hug. You're just a living doll and the two of us are going to be great friends, Giving Jessa a final pat on the shoulder she hurried off with a wave.
Jessa waved back and then took in a deep breath. It felt like her first chance to inhale all morning. With relief, she saw her family moving in her direction, Matt announcing excitedly that his teacher was really neat and that Brian Olsen had asked him to a sleepover on Friday.
Jim unlocked the doors. As Jessa slid wearily inside, he asked, How did things go for you, Jessa?
Jessa turned her face toward the window, a tear running down her cheek. It's not like home, she said quietly.
Tell us, Sonia invited. They listened patiently to Jessa's description of the classes.
At the end, Sonia sighed. This Catlyn probably means well, but she sounds like a real bulldozer. Did you get the chance to meet any of the other girls?
Jessa shook her head.
Don't worry, sweetie. Maybe after Catlyn wears off, you'll have the chance to find some other girls you'll feel more comfortable with.
Jessa didn't answer.
As she hung up her dress, she fingered the fine silk longingly. When would she ever be able to wear it again? Rain was already dashing against the windows.
She knew she should go help her mom with dinner. And there were still a million things to unpack. But she put on her pajamas and crawled into bed. She tried to think of her Vegas friends, but Catlyn seemed to crowd them out with her staccato chatter.
Catlyn had called her a living doll. Should she feel complimented? Catlyn was a blonde beauty with creamy skin and fine features. Next to her, Jessa felt dull. Jessa had heard people say that she was pretty, but not in a glamorous way. Her grandma had told her several times that she had what was known as a quiet beauty. Nelson had thought she was pretty enough. Jessa had never worried about it before, but now she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure of anything in this new place. Letting sleep swarm over her, she rolled over and closed her eyes.
